“Being a great lover is not about performance, it’s about mindful exploration. That never gets old.” -Halko Weiss
Getting men to open up about difficulties around sex is about as tough as it comes. It seems like the more women want to talk about it, the more defensive and clammed up her guy becomes. I co-facilitate Passion and Presence® retreats with Halko Weiss, who is also my partner. He’s been leading couple’s retreats for over 20 years. Time and time again, it is the woman who wants to sign up but her partner is reluctant. Halko’s conclusion: Men are afraid of exposing their perceived inadequacies.
It can be a perfect sexual storm. Men rarely discuss personal issues with other men. What’s more, some men feel inferior to their female partners when it comes to relating and may have trouble expressing their needs. Many men feel they should be able to solve their own problems without support. Then throw in the fact that men often tie their self-worth to sexual performance. All this makes even thinking about working on sexual issues potentially shameful for many men.
The first step beyond this shutdown is to realize that all committed couples struggle to keep sex exciting over the long haul because of the inevitable drop in desire that accompanies familiarity. Our culture doesn’t teach us how to deal with this, so we mistakenly think there is “something wrong” and the problem is ours alone.
A second step is to learn to shift your mindset from performance to mindful exploration. The paradox is that by letting go of a fixed idea of what “great sex” is, we get to have mindful sex; fresh, exciting, playful encounters with our partner that are never exactly the same. At our safe, blame-free retreats, we help both men and women go deeper and to identify specific solutions that are great for them as a couple.
Often, the men that insist, “I’m here because she dragged me in,” later admit, “I had no idea how much pressure I was carrying to ‘do it right’ for her. I thought it was my job to “know” everything. Now, I can ask rather than keep quiet.” One person, speaking for many of our male participants added, “She kept saying she wanted more connection and creativity in bed, but I just heard that as a complaint. I thought coming to a sex retreat would make me feel like I was doing something wrong. What a relief to find out that the other men felt exactly the same way and none of us were asked to be different or do more. We were encouraged to be ourselves.”
In the end, it is the men who are especially reluctant to enter the room who quickly become our most out-spoken supporters. A lot of men tell us how they see their inner roadblocks dissolving. They feel more confident and satisfied because the sex they are enjoying with their partner is so much hotter than before. Having received support and a realistic version of love and sex over the long haul, they no longer see their intimacy issues as indicators of inadequacy, but rather as opportunities to deepen their emotional and erotic connection with their partner.
- Are you a man who feels reluctant to talk about what feels like sexual inadequacy with your partner? Are you a woman feeling shut out?
- Did you realize that all couples experience a drop in initial passion?
- Are you ready to experience more intimate, fresh, exciting, playful sex?
