When I created our couples’ sexuality retreats, Halko and I assumed droves of growth-oriented pleasure-seekers would jump at the chance to use eroticism as their pathway to healing and transformation. It seemed evident that all those conjugal “roommates” out there (an estimated 20% of couples) would trip over themselves to establish a more vital erotic connection.
I could see how our retreats would be just the thing for couples wanting to feel a greater sense of exploration and play in their lovemaking. I was sure that couples suffering from hurt and resentment related to sex would relish having a safe space to heal and grow. Surely couples dealing with the impact of aging and stress on their sex life would line up. Right?
Well, not exactly…
Common Fears about Couples Retreats
I never dreamed mindful sexuality would be a hard sell, but then I discovered that many people have “Retreat Anxiety,” especially when the focus is on sex. Even the folks who regularly attend my other mindfulness-based programs get sheepish at the mention of sex. Only the single ones say, “That’s awesome. I would definitely do this if only I had a partner!” We often find that one partner is more willing than the other to attend sexuality retreats for couples.
So, I started to ask people, “What do you think happens at our retreats?” I also polled folks who attended our retreats in the past who were initially afraid to come. Here’s what I learned: Some people were worried that they might be diagnosed, labeled, and judged with some dysfunction as part of the “couples therapy.” Others feared that it would open a Pandora’s box of issues and precipitate a crisis in their relationship. Still, others spoke of visions of nudity, public sex, swapping partners, or having to divulge the intimate and troublesome details of their erotic life to strangers.
A couple of people admitted they thought mindful sex is slow, boring sex. They didn’t know the “mindful” aspect relates to their state of being than their behavior. Others worried about the opposite—that they would have to engage in copious amounts of sex when a snuggle would be a leap for them right now. They didn’t know that our mindful approach helps couples explore, rather than override, barriers to intimacy gently and compassionately.
Perhaps you find our work interesting but are also struggling with Retreat Anxiety. I can pretty much guarantee that the images in your head are far scarier than reality.
So, what does happen at these events?
That Safe Space is So Important
First, we can assure you that we design our weekends to be safe and non-judgmental. Time and time again, our participants have told us how vital our creation of a genuinely safe space has been for them. One participant expressed our feelings exactly:
“The safety in the space is amazing. Work like this couldn’t take place without it!” – R.E.
Our facilitators include Maci Daye, CST, the founder of Passion and Presence, Halko Weiss, Ph.D., and Julia Corley, LCMHCA. Although we are licensed psychotherapists, and I, Maci, am a trained sex therapist, we aren’t interested in diagnosing anyone. Mindfulness offers a path to self-discovery that is worlds apart from putting people into categories. We trust that you both have good reasons to feel and act the way you do. Our mission is to offer support and understanding, not judgment or blame.
While the journey to self-discovery can sometimes be painful, it is not any more painful than feeling disconnected, lonely, resentful, discouraged, hopeless, or dissatisfied. What’s more, ignoring issues does not make them go away. It only drives a deeper wedge between you. The good news is that our retreats provide tools and focused personal coaching on helping you navigate delicate issues with as much sensitivity as possible. Mindfulness creates a bit of cushioning between your feelings and impulses, diminishing the reactivity that might flare up at home.
[Think of jumping on an inflatable “bouncy” rather than rubbing against sandpaper.]As for nudity, public sex, swapping partners? In your fantasies, maybe, but not in our retreats. The exercises are with your partner only, and the nude ones, in the privacy of your room (although you can do them fully clothed). The only swapping is of support from couples who, like you, long for more connection, ease, excitement, and flow in their erotic relationship. This swapping makes things safer. Instead of feeling exposed and defective, you see that all couples, even the leaders, sometimes struggle when they have what I call Real Life Sex (versus the problem-free sex we see in the movies).
So, What Really Happens at our Retreats?
We address the emotions and attitudes that can become bundled in with sex, causing so many couples to feel various uncomfortable sensations and emotions, such as numbness, anxiety, guilt, or inadequacy. As therapists, we expect such feelings to surface with time, sometimes months or even years, into a relationship. While many couples feel dismayed by these developments, we see them as a sign that your relationship has deepened—and as opportunities to recover your Pure Erotic Potential.
What Do Our Participants Say About it?
I’m happy to say that our people who initially weren’t sure they would be comfortable at a retreat focusing on sex have become loyal fans and supporters. Some enhanced their already satisfying sex lives, while others fumbled in this area or were walled off by fear and hurt. Almost all were relieved to find that others, whether very much like or very different from them, struggle with the very same things that they do.
“A life-changing and transformative model. I got to see my husband (and myself) at a depth I have never experienced before.” – D.Z.
Those who have taken those first brave steps of enrolling in a retreat claim it has taken their relationship to a whole new level. They are much more comfortable talking openly about sex and use erotic challenges to become connected rather than adversarial. They are also happy to see that complex states can shift, and that intimate and passionate sex can also return with the help of mindfulness.
So, don’t let unfounded fears get in the way of fulfilling your Erotic Potential, and check out more details about all of our retreats at https://www.passionandpresence.com/mini-retreats/.
© Maci Daye 2022
