“Sitting in circles with couples of different backgrounds, orientations, in ages has shown me that passionate sex is rare in long-term relationships. Many couples report that the real-life sex they are having is more often triggering or a routine. They feel deadended, inadequate, and lonely. I hear the same things in my sex therapy practice. Jerome and Keisha miss the magic they once made in the bedroom. Abbey and Quinn insist they have incompatible sexual styles. He wants to ” get to it,” says Abby, who longs for more time to connect as a couple. Quinn complains that Abbey’s “slow warm-up” and need to talk before they make love interrupts his flow. Riya is afraid of being overwhelmed by sex, and Nalini becomes a guilt-ridden when she and Riya make love.
If you’re in a long-term relationship, you’ve probably experienced one or more of these issues. You may even wonder if your journey as a romantic couple has ended. Like Jerome and Keisha, you may want more sizzle in your sex life. Like Abby and Quinn, you may believe you and your partner are sexually incompatible. Maybe, like Riya and Nalini, you think sex is a good thing, in principal, but the maligned by unpleasant feelings when you have it.
In the West, we tend to view these problems as impediments to sex and try to fix them. The Eastern philosophies Of Buddhism and Taoism avow that life includes both joy and suffering. Such a perspective makes room for the difficult, even confronting feelings that sometimes arise when we have sex. A core message of Passion and Presence is that mature love — meaning love that endures beyond the intoxicating, highly libidinous first six to twenty-four months — is fraught with complexity. Many books focus on the “joy of sex,” to the exclusion of the real pains that are part of our real-sex lives.
In contrast a Mindful mind-set recognizes that life, and therefore sex, is a package deal. Passion and Presence embraces this both/and perspective. It offers a way to orient to sex that derives from Eastern wisdom traditions and somatic psychology. These streams suggest a path of being rather than doing. They encourage us to look inward and to allow, instead of forcing anything or striving to reach a goal.
The both/and Approach means that this book explores not only the benefits of mindful intimacy, but also barriers of pleasure and sexual expression.” When you stand in the light of a close relationship, you must learn to deal with the shadow,” write Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. Sex illuminates our shadows, which makes it both triggering and full of growth potential. Most people honestly don’t know why they have roadblocks to sex. Unfortunately, open communication, a vacation, or lingerie won’t shed light on their shadows, but mindful sex will. We can use the illuminating power and Eros for healing.
When early imprints light up during sex, we can feel very naked. However, this nakedness allows us to see what holds us back from experiencing our full aliveness. Sexual triggers are often trailheads to shame marks and erotic wounds that are ready to heal. Because Passion and Presence is relational, embodied, and goal-free, many people with a trauma history respond to it favorably. However, everyone who has grown up in a sex-negative culture can benefit from the healing in this approach.
A central premise a Passion and Presence is that our early learning gets in under the radar and becomes the basis of our internal models of sex. These models shape our behaviours automatically and generate emotional reactions for all of us. The mindful approach to intimacy involves investigating these reactions with compassion and curiosity.
Does this mean we need to give up thinking of sex as fun, nurturing, or naughty? Certainly not. The both/and Approach gives equal weight to the pleasure side of sexual equation. Eros plays through all the keys– major and minor– and we can enjoy the spontaneous intermingling of our eros energies in surprising and delightful ways too. The more embodied we become, the better able we are to tune to our eros energy and experience the deeply sensual, pleasurable, and regenerative qualities of sex.“
Excerpted from Passion and Presence: A Couple’s Guide to Awakened Intimacy and Mindful Sex, by Maci Daye. Reprinted in arrangement with Shambhala Publications, Inc. Boulder, CO.
