Whether biological or psychological, sexual familiarity lowers desire—and humans, like animals, thrive on novelty. Novelty gives us that exhilarating high. But does this mean we need something new, or do we need to reveal more of ourselves?
Some people explore non-monogamy, but for many, deep connection comes from fully expressing ourselves within an existing relationship. A number of years ago, Esther Perel said something that stuck with me:
People don’t crave a new partner as much as they crave new experiences of themselves.
They want to express parts of themselves that feel dormant in their daily life. They aren’t necessarily seeking someone else—they’re seeking a fuller, more vibrant version of themselves.
The Unspoken Rules of Relationships
If we’re honest, different parts of us emerge in different relationships. One friend might bring out our playful side, while another sharpens our intellect. Some relationships make us feel fearless, while others tap into our wisdom or creativity. Each connection awakens a unique facet of who we are.
Anaïs Nin put it beautifully:
“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive.”
But what if, over time, we fall into routine—not just in action but in identity? We become predictable in our relationships, bringing the same “self” to every encounter. Sex therapist David Schnarch noted that people don’t just repeat the same moves in bed—they bring the same version of themselves.
Revealing More of Ourselves in Our Erotic Relationships
Rather than seeking excitement elsewhere, can we nurture relationships by integrating more of our unexpressed parts into them?
This isn’t easy. Chemistry between different people doesn’t always transfer. And when we act outside our usual character, our partner might respond with, “What’s gotten into you?”—a reaction that can shut us down rather than encourage exploration.
I call these implicit contracts—the unspoken agreements we make in relationships about who we’re supposed to be.
Take a moment:
- How do you show up in your everyday relationship?
- What do you think your partner expects from you?
- What parts of yourself feel unseen or unexplored?
Those unexpressed parts of you—the playful, seductive, adventurous parts—aren’t something foreign. They are exiled erotic parts, waiting for expression.
The Barriers to Full Self-Expression
We all have internal and external barriers that limit how fully we show up in our relationships:
- Cultural taboos
- Implicit contracts
- Personal inhibitions
For example, we might believe:
- Raw lust has no place in a loving relationship.
- Flirtation and seduction don’t fit with being a responsible parent.
So, we compartmentalize. We hide certain desires. But containment often turns into suppression or numbing.
The Erotic as a Space for Integration
What if, instead of suppressing these parts, we worked with our partner to integrate them? What if our erotic relationship became a stage where all of our identities could safely exist?
You might use these prompts to get started:
- Which parts of yourself have you hidden in your current erotic relationship?
- What happens when you imagine expressing them with your partner?
- How could you bring one part into the non-sexual space, say on a date?
- How might you integrate this part in your lovemaking?
French writer Anaïs Nin once said:
“The truly faithless one is the one who makes love to only a fraction of you. And denies the rest.”
Let’s make space for all of ourselves to exist—within our relationships, not only outside of them.
