“Pleasure lies in the call and response of two attuned partners who are not striving, but allowing eroticism to lead.”
What if it were possible to become alive with your partner again, even though you have been in a long-term relationship? What would it look like to be present to the passion that could exist if it wasn’t hidden by old injuries, disappointment and familiarity?
We are often unaware that available to all of us is something called Pure Erotic Potential, or PEP. Our Pure Erotic Potential is always there and we can reconnect to it by choosing to be aware of it, moment to moment. In other words, we can always access our PEP through mindfulness. Mindfulness — being present to the possibilities of the moment — is a simple concept, but does require practice. With an attitude of curiosity and a non-judgemental spirit, our Pure Erotic Potential can show up when we least expect it to.
Mindfulness also requires becoming aware of our trances. These trances are the limiting ideas or mindsets we form about sex in a long-term relationship. We can become so mesmerized by our trances that we don’t see how they are shaping our feelings and behaviors. For example, we may believe we no longer desire our partner or that we have to conceal our desires to protect our bond. We may believe we have to “do it better” in order to have a vital erotic connection. These ideas feel so true they become our reality, leaving us feeling restless, alone and defective.
Perhaps the most common trance is what I call the Familiarity Trance. This trance tells us we know absolutely everything about our partner. When we are blinded by the familiarity trance, we stop seeing our partner. We have no curiosity about our partner and therefore little interest in them. This is a narrowed version of reality and therefore a trance because our partner is growing and changing every moment, just as we are.
The Safety Trance is also a distortion. By placing too much importance on our need for safety and comfort over spontaneity, we may stifle our erotic expression. We camouflage and contain our erotic impulses to maintain security, but doing so ultimately diminishes our sense of aliveness and (paradoxically) erodes our safety and trust.
Finally, there is the Performance Trance. We may think the reason sex is unsatisfying is that we are not doing it “right.” We try to perform better and focus on technique only to feel less secure and less satisfied with each erotic encounter. When we are in the Performance Trance, we strive to achieve certain benchmarks (erection, orgasm, intercourse). This increases anxiety, which makes us less present and exploratory. When anxious, we are even more likely to “under-perform” because of the pressure we put on ourselves. We think whatever we are going towards is where pleasure lies, but pleasure becomes increasingly elusive because we are pointed in the wrong direction. In actuality, pleasure lies in the call and response of two attuned partners who are not striving, but allowing eroticism to lead.
With a mindfulness practice, you can awaken from your trances to experience the ever-changing expression of eroticism as it moves through you and your partner. Passion & Presence® is a mindfulness-centered approach to sex that teaches couples how to work with the trances, erotic injuries and sex-negative imprints that are hiding their PEP.
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