Recently, a participant in one of our retreats came back into the room with a big smile on her face. “Erotic triggers are the best foreplay,” she gushed, still a bit out of breath. Those in the room knew what she meant, but this might sound a bit peculiar to the uninitiated.
So, what exactly is an erotic trigger? How are they formed? How could a trigger ever lead to great sex, and how did our couples’ retreat help make this possible?
What Makes an Erotic Trigger?
An erotic trigger is anything that evokes an unpleasant reaction in a sexual context. Triggers can be mild, such as when you say, “That feels so good,” and your partner moves on to something else instead of continuing the thing you enjoy. Suddenly, you feel confused, hurt, and frustrated and don’t know what to do. Medium or strong erotic triggers often relate to old wounds or messages imprinted in childhood that get re-stimulated by sexual activity. Any sound, word, action, or image can become a trigger when coupled with something we dislike or are repulsed by—something threatening, hurtful, or aversive.
We develop triggers in different ways. While some triggers form during childhood, many people who have not experienced erotic wounding in childhood, or trauma of any kind, are triggered by sex. We may experience a sudden rush of shame, disgust, or anger during sex without understanding why. Triggers can also form as adults
from feelings of guilt, rejection, or anxiety about “performing” in bed.
Our triggers may also develop from present-day body shaming or aversive reactions to our partner’s choice of words to describe our genitals. If our partner says “no” to sex, we may feel intense pangs of rejection. We may feel hurt, disappointed, annoyed, or anxious by many things that happen or don’t happen when we have sex with our partner. Some triggers are seemingly positive. For instance, we might recoil in disgust when our partner says, “You’re sexy.” Whatever precipitates reactions like these counts as an erotic trigger.
Because we often store our emotional history as a bodily memory, we may have unpleasant feelings—even flashbacks—when touched in parts of our body. Yet, even thinking about sex can also trigger us. Our reactions are automatic. Like a flash flood, they may come on suddenly and without warning. Or we may have an inner feeling like, “Oh no! Here we go again.” The good news is that there is a healing potential for our triggers. One definition of a trigger is a “catalyst,” as igniting, galvanizing, or mobilizing, and for us, that means we can harness the power of our triggers to heal ourselves.
When it Comes to Triggers, the Past is not History.
Have you ever felt rage when someone accidentally stepped on your foot? Unlike the slow-build of boredom, or an enduring feeling of grief, pain can trigger intense feelings that erupt suddenly and fiercely. Most erotic triggers are not an automatic response to physical pain but rather a strong emotional reaction to something learned in the past (even the recent past) that gets triggered in the present.
When we become triggered related to childhood or adult trauma, our brain relives a memory as if it is happening now. For this reason, a client of mine would feel sick whenever she smelled alcohol, having experienced abuse by a relative who reeked of beer as a child.
Sex Scarred Can Become Sex Scared
Living with triggers can feel like living in a minefield. We become increasingly fearful of doing anything that might set off a mine. Or we may find that our formerly “problem-free” sex life is suddenly full of complications and reactivity. As our sensitivities become more acute, one or both of us are likely to become reactive, hurt, defensive, or turned off. If we have a history of abuse or trauma, sexual triggers can seem to pop up at every turn.
Many couples report that in the beginning, they enjoyed sex without experiencing these hurdles. The ecstasy of new love commonly hides or softens sexual triggers. However, as the initial passion wears off, many couples face these problems. They understandably start to avoid sex to avoid getting triggered or develop ways to circumvent triggers.
They may eliminate any behaviors or words that may be triggering, such as never being around beer. They may rely on distractions or numbing to stay emotionally regulated. Zoning out and being perpetually busy are tactics people often use to feel safe. While these strategies create a feeling of control, they do nothing to heal the underlying issue.
The Healing and Erotic Potential of Triggers
Triggers can free us from the pain of the past. To return to the analogy of landmines, we see them and understand how they got there when we bring awareness to our reactions. We can even invite a trigger in at a safe, low dose while observing our reactions mindfully. As we find ways to safely de-activate triggers as a couple, we can allow in more of our experience during sex.
In our Awakened Intimacy sexual retreats for couples, we teach a variety of mindfulness-based skills to work with triggers. Mindfulness invokes a spirit of open curiosity to research our triggers and observe how they work. If we recognize that our brain is activating something old, we can begin the healing work of differentiating now from then. In the wake of this distinction, we are free to fully access our inner Erotic Potential, perhaps for the first time.
During our retreats, we provide expertise, safety, and support.
- As sex therapists and psychotherapists, we use our training to work with triggers gently.
- We create a safe and supportive sanctuary that greatly aids healing at our retreats.
- We encourage couples to explore their sexual triggers as a team. Developing a sense of mutual support, cooperation, and deep intimacy paves the way for richer and more intimate sex.
Having an emotional ally can help us return to baseline much sooner when triggered than struggling alone. When each partner can provide a loving, caring response to pain, the other partner has the potential to replace old memories with new ones that affirm each other’s sexuality.
Mindfulness Can Allow for Hot Sex
The woman who said, “Triggers are the best foreplay,” discovered this truth. After realizing she could view her erotic trigger not as a threat to be avoided but as a call to erotic and heart-full wholeness, she continued to explore her Erotic Potential. Back at her hotel room with her partner, her clenched heart and body opened, leading to hot, “unclenched” sex.
Her story reminded me of the words of the poet Tagore when he wrote,
“My limbs are made glorious
by the touch of this world of life.”
This time, she did not avoid touch but embraced it in a fresh, loving way. Awakening to the present became part of an unfolding and deepening with her partner.
We support this healing and transformation in every one of our couples’ retreats. You, too, can discover how to use your small, medium, and strong erotic triggers to heal erotic wounds and resolve sexual impasses in your own life. To learn more about how we work, please visit our Intro Mini-Retreat, Erotic Presence for Pleasure, Connection & Growth.
